I lied to her. My mom. "I can't handle it if you're doing that!" she pleaded. I denied the truth, out of courtousy. In honesty, I have been self harming again, but I couldn't bar telling her. With a line like what she had given me, what was I supposed to say? "Um, hate to break it to you but.." ..yeah, right. As if I can just say it. As if I could admit it to her before admitting to myself that I'm totally screwed over. I need help, but I can't ask. I feel like I've completely lost it all. My mind, my truth, my control.. Everything. I don't know what's going to happen. If I want to live, I should turn myself in now.. But I don't know what I want, so nothing will happen, and fate will take its course. I'm so fucked. Hahaha... Everything is changing inside me and all around and I'm unsteady, obviously. In a flurried frenzy, pain would be nothing. I wouldn't know what hit me, even if I struck the blow upon myself. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I really have nobody right now. No one knows me and it's dangerous. I'm just waiting for the universe to spontaneously implode now. Gar. Live hard, die fast;this was my choice. Or was it? Have I ever really chosen anything? Bring on the next break in reality.