I've been thinking about it a lot lately.. How I've undergone a constant cycle of self-denail.. Becoming just attached enough to this illusion so that I don't just.. die. Am I truly so scared to lose attachments after I establish them? Is that it?

I keep trying to limit myself in ways I'm not truly limited.. I do that to more firmly establish my sense of identity, but is it because it's too overwhelming for me if I wasn't just "myself"? How could I make decisions that way, I guess.. and that could cause anxiety.

It's actually not as hard as I would like to believe it is to completely revert back into another form, but I think that's the problem.. I'm way too adaptable.. to the point that I can't tell which way feels best to me personally.

Tonight I will do some soul searching,regardless of the potential risks.