A wreck

I've kind of been a state of turmoil lately. Well no, not kind of, I have been. I feel so overwhelmed lately, and the I just freeze.. I can't even move. All momentum just halts. I can't really open up to anybody about this fully, and when I'm frozen, I come to fully appreciate the damage I've been doing myself with my typical negligence.. I can't even let out so much as a whimper. So how could I possibly fix this when my mind, too, is stagnant? It's like I'm being struck over and over again.. and I have no clue.. what to do. I can't even confide in my best friend about it. I feel like absolute crap, and my depression has been returning for weeks.. Suicidal thoughts again, but what can I do? The best choice is to pray and try to ignore it.. I think. Ugh. But what has happened when I didn't ask for help before? I'm not as strong as I like to convey myself as being... but what could anybody else possibly do to help? Won't I feel worse for saying anything, because I'd just be contributing negative to the environment? Am I even wanted or appreciated? Does it even matter what happens to me, or am I just another body?

...would it even matter if I died?
Would it matter if my struggle finally ended?
Is there even any point to it?