waratte ita boku no yowa wo abaita

I know I will always care about you, even if everybody else drops of the end of the planet.
Remember how I asked you what you thought would happen if you spoke softly?
When you responded that the ones who truly cared would listen, and I proceded to ask why you continue to speak loudly, if you understood that?

I know it's the understanding that few would hear you, and fewer would care what you have to say.
I know it's because you're scared that people care a lot less about you than you need.
I know it's because you're afraid people don't need you, maybe that they won't be there for you.
I know what it means to fear being worthless..

"Please, it doesn't grieve.
Even if the world doesn't permit you, I permit you.

Please, it doesn't grieve.
Even if you do not permit the world, I permit you.

Therefore, please teach.
When you do very, could you permit me?"

No matter what, even if you hate me, even if there was nobody, please at least have faith in me that I will always be here to listen, and even though I have trouble trusting people, even though it scares the crap out of me to allow myself to need somebody, I'm allowing myself to trust you, and that means I'll never not care again..

The main reason I care about you so much is because you're like me in ways I haven't even found a way to explain yet. I identify with you.

It's hard to describe the pain I feel when I know what it's like to have nobody respond when you do finally take the risk of speaking softly. For many years, I received no response. I found again and again the people who mattered most to me didn't care about me at all.. and so I grew wary of people. I told myself I didn't need people, and decided to try my best to become independent, and self-reliant,because people were inconsistent, and they couldn't be trusted to not destroy me if I put my faith in them. All love meant to me was pain, because I had no understanding that there was a better definition to be learned, so I mistrusted that, as well.

I didn't think I was hurt, either.. being hurt was to need, and if I admitted I had needs, then I would have to admit.. that the pain was mine, and that was unbearable.

..and you know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm SO wrong, and maybe we don't have much in common, and maybe.. I'm just defective. Maybe I'm in denail. Maybe I am alone in this, and maybe you truly don't need me in any respect, making me nothing more than a burden to you. Maybe all I ever was is a burden, but this burden still cares about you more than it could ever describe and if you ever needed me, I would still be here. If you didn't need me, I'll still be here.. and if you don't want to talk to me, I'm still here. Even if I didn't need you, I would care about you, and it would kill me slowly to put you through the exact same things I went through, so because I am learning to not fear being weak, I choose to need you.

Even if nobody else cared about you, I would care about you.
Even if you had nobody else, you would have me.
Even if you have none, I will have needs.
And even if it kills me, I will still love you.

My biggest fear right now is that I'm not enough.
(a secret part of me is dying)