There are sometimes things I want to say; so many I doubt I have the capacity...
Just too much.
So much has changed since I last posted something, but I found a note today... I guess it was from a couple years ago, and it really made me think about things. I guess that's where I'll start.
"4-27-2010(Tuesday)
It's really coming down to the final run, isn't it? I'm not even sure what I'm going to do yet, or if I'm even going to make it...
It's horrible, isn't it? I have so many things I should appreciate in my life, so many people who care and probably love me, but it can't change the way I feel... oh, the joys of being bi-polar.
So what am I going to do? I'm still running out of time with every second I sit here waiting... slipping away. So much anxiety about possibly making the "wrong" decision, like I carry the weight of the world, though logically I know it isn't the case. What I know is rarely what I feel. I'm so out of it
There's something I know I need, but I'm not sure what it is... Do I even belong here?
"If you want something, just ask."
If only it were that simple... if only :(
Clearly I'm pretty powerless right now, limited by my own pride and ignorance... my arrogance.
No, I'm not okay right now... not at all. And it won't stop the feeling. Nothing can stop this feeling... Alone and surrounded... Have I always been alone?
I have to see past this, I have to, or I'll just end up hurting myself again, worse probably...
~
(later that day)
It really doesn't hurt to die... I know this because I have almost died... it would have been so much easier... than this...
~
(later that day)
Meh... So begins the next event. I think I may feel slightly better, but still not very much, and I still would much rather go off on my own and be apart from everybody else."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking at my drafts in my blog, that was they day before a suicide attempt. Then I remember Kenny, and the conversations we had the days before his suicide. I revisited them yesterday, knowing that I had to, even fearing what I'd find. What I learned is I did try everything I could... My humanity limited me. It was a period of time when I was very sick, and dealing with the symptoms of Lithium toxicity... I... hope those couple days leading up to his act; I hope... if I had been there, it wouldn't have made a difference. Based upon the way he was talking, it wouldn't have. Maybe that's part of why I was shut down too. I... was preparing. Distancing emotionally. That's what I always fall back on...
I remember now that I had recently been homeless, too. Huge stress on me, already... I was depressed myself.
I guess I'm kind of down today... I wonder if it's as bad as it was then. I can never seem to tell because I don't know how bad it is until I act on it, and I can't tell when I'm actually at the threshold between thinking and doing. I never really talk about it, anyways...
That note was from before I had ever been admitted to a psychiatric ward... I honestly did not believe I would make it to the age 18 back then. Even now, I don't know how long I'm gonna make it... It kind of feels like I'm living, waiting to die. Waiting for the pain to end. But what's the point? What's the difference between that and dying earlier?
I help people, sure, but it's not like it changes me emotionally... It's not even because it feels good... It can be really tiring sometimes. Like what happened with Kenny.
Shortly after Kenny committed suicide, (when I was already dealing with suicidal ideation) I was date raped by somebody who was supposed to help me cope emotionally... Lovely.
So then, as if this is a shock, I tried to kill myself not long after... what WAS weird that it was subconscious. I took my sleep medication, then after it put me into a state where I wasn't consciously aware of what I was doing (like how ambien makes people sleep walk), I overdosed on two bottles of pills. I woke up and I was so confused... I didn't even know what happened. I didn't remember anything. I still don't. I just knew I was depressed... there were obvious risk factors, but to subconsciously want to kill yourself... subconsciously..... I think that gives insight into something pretty profound.
Just too much.
So much has changed since I last posted something, but I found a note today... I guess it was from a couple years ago, and it really made me think about things. I guess that's where I'll start.
"4-27-2010(Tuesday)
It's really coming down to the final run, isn't it? I'm not even sure what I'm going to do yet, or if I'm even going to make it...
It's horrible, isn't it? I have so many things I should appreciate in my life, so many people who care and probably love me, but it can't change the way I feel... oh, the joys of being bi-polar.
So what am I going to do? I'm still running out of time with every second I sit here waiting... slipping away. So much anxiety about possibly making the "wrong" decision, like I carry the weight of the world, though logically I know it isn't the case. What I know is rarely what I feel. I'm so out of it
There's something I know I need, but I'm not sure what it is... Do I even belong here?
"If you want something, just ask."
If only it were that simple... if only :(
Clearly I'm pretty powerless right now, limited by my own pride and ignorance... my arrogance.
No, I'm not okay right now... not at all. And it won't stop the feeling. Nothing can stop this feeling... Alone and surrounded... Have I always been alone?
I have to see past this, I have to, or I'll just end up hurting myself again, worse probably...
~
(later that day)
It really doesn't hurt to die... I know this because I have almost died... it would have been so much easier... than this...
~
(later that day)
Meh... So begins the next event. I think I may feel slightly better, but still not very much, and I still would much rather go off on my own and be apart from everybody else."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking at my drafts in my blog, that was they day before a suicide attempt. Then I remember Kenny, and the conversations we had the days before his suicide. I revisited them yesterday, knowing that I had to, even fearing what I'd find. What I learned is I did try everything I could... My humanity limited me. It was a period of time when I was very sick, and dealing with the symptoms of Lithium toxicity... I... hope those couple days leading up to his act; I hope... if I had been there, it wouldn't have made a difference. Based upon the way he was talking, it wouldn't have. Maybe that's part of why I was shut down too. I... was preparing. Distancing emotionally. That's what I always fall back on...
I remember now that I had recently been homeless, too. Huge stress on me, already... I was depressed myself.
I guess I'm kind of down today... I wonder if it's as bad as it was then. I can never seem to tell because I don't know how bad it is until I act on it, and I can't tell when I'm actually at the threshold between thinking and doing. I never really talk about it, anyways...
That note was from before I had ever been admitted to a psychiatric ward... I honestly did not believe I would make it to the age 18 back then. Even now, I don't know how long I'm gonna make it... It kind of feels like I'm living, waiting to die. Waiting for the pain to end. But what's the point? What's the difference between that and dying earlier?
I help people, sure, but it's not like it changes me emotionally... It's not even because it feels good... It can be really tiring sometimes. Like what happened with Kenny.
Shortly after Kenny committed suicide, (when I was already dealing with suicidal ideation) I was date raped by somebody who was supposed to help me cope emotionally... Lovely.
So then, as if this is a shock, I tried to kill myself not long after... what WAS weird that it was subconscious. I took my sleep medication, then after it put me into a state where I wasn't consciously aware of what I was doing (like how ambien makes people sleep walk), I overdosed on two bottles of pills. I woke up and I was so confused... I didn't even know what happened. I didn't remember anything. I still don't. I just knew I was depressed... there were obvious risk factors, but to subconsciously want to kill yourself... subconsciously..... I think that gives insight into something pretty profound.
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