I.. For once am at a loss for words... I'm.. So mixed up inside. My friends need me more than ever,and everybody is depending on me,too,yet.. Nobody could know the type of things I'm dealing with in my mind and heart every night;every single moment when I am left alone,I feel my spirit breaking all over again.. But I can't utter one single word for these empty feelings. I have not the strength to validate -no,reinforce what is true. I look at my friend so sad,and I try to help her,but what can I do when I cannot look her in the eyes when I say everything is going to be okay? What can I do to help her when I am never sure what I can do to help myself..? I'm a bloody hypocritic,damned either way. I don't even know if I'm going to be okay this time,either.. By a stroke of luck I've managed somehow,thusfar.. And every second those same old thoughts persist in gaining some hold of me,so it's a constant war. My war in solitary confinement. I'm screaming out silently with the wish someone could hear my thoughts.. But no one ever will. Can you imagine the frustration? The frustration with not only the situation,but especially with myself.. Who would guess? Even if they could,who would care? Who could really afford to?