I've been better,but..

..then again,I haven't truly. I wish that her friendship was actually helping me.. That people outside of myself actually could make a difference,but.. it never really seems to end.

I'm not depressed necessarily,but I'm gonna venture to say I'm heading there. I don't want to make a habit of writing here only when I'm depressed,but at the same time.. I prolly need to.

I'm so scared.. that she doesn't really like me as a friend or a person, that she's getting tired of me.. that I'm wearing her down through my tendency to confess things.. that I should be able to just take upon myself,but unfortunately.. I can't. I seriously can't. I've tried,but it's a choice between somehow setting those things free or shutting myself away for eternity.. But I love her as a person,and I don't want to hurt her by saying those things.. the truth.. because they're things she shouldn't have to worry about. It should be my burden to bear.. I should be the silent martyr.. I wish I was stronger :(
Heh, the song "Hey Jude".. something told me to listen to that song,though I didn't really remember the lyrics.

Bawww... horrible.. this song is horrible because it makes me feel so much right now D;

It's so taxing to put my faith in people when it feels like there's so much to potentially lose.. I.. am risking so much.. she doesn't even realize how much my general faith in people has been shaped by her optimism and obvious innocence.. something that would only become apparent through being her friend. That connection is helping me come back to life.. yeah,for a long time I was dead. I couldn't afford to live.. not truly.. I was limited by my own fears,but.. I feel people like her are worth living for. People like her show me that love still exists in a world so cold. Without realizing it,she taught me that somehow,God is still watching over me,and that I'm not in this alone.

Graduating at the end of this year is going to hurt me so badly _<;
I'm overly pessimistic and anxious.
I'm super critical of myself.
I worry way the hell too much.
I relate too many things to myself.
I don't focus on other peoples' needs enough.
I spend too much time focusing on my own thoughts.
I don't listen with a clear mind enough.
I can't let things go as much as I should..
I'm too neurotic.
I'm probably too paranoid.
I'm too perfectionistic.
I'm too melodramatic.
I'm too prideful.
I'm too conceded.
I'm too sensitive.
I'm too over-analytical.
I'm too hypocritical in ways I probably don't even know enough of.
I'm too cowardly.
I'm too self-sabotaging.
I'm too self-righteous.
I'm too impressing with my values.
I'm too fixated on things that don't matter to people.
I'm too oblivious.
I'm too scared to make mistakes.
I'm too blinded by my hopes and aspirations.
I'm too absorbed in anything outside of the moment.
I'm too prideful to ask for help.
I'm too prideful to admit I really don't ask for help because I'm scared to death.
I'm too passive, in ways.
I'm too vulnerable.
I'm too redundant.
I'm too expecting.
I'm too assumptuous.
I blame too much.
I'm too much in denail.
I exaggerate way too much.
I'm too horrible..
I'm too stupid.. I can't even allow myself to be human when I try to promote it in other people.
I'm too oblivious.
I'm too inconsiderate.
I'm too pompous,if I think I can even judge anybody for being what they're born.
I'm too selfish,as I sit her absorbed in my faults when I could be helping the world or at least be making positive change somehow.
I'm too self-contradictory.
I'm too weak.
I'm too frustrating to myself.
I'm too much of a burden to others.
I'm too insecure.
I'm too aggrevating to myself.

Even god can't forgive myself for me. I'm condemning myself.. I want to forgive myself,but it doesn't change the feeling. How can I blame myself for this? I didn't choose this.. to feel this way.. please stop thinking T.T Please stop. Please.