Silently, I've been shaken. Loudly, I've been disturbed..

God... I can't stop. Matters are stretching past my arms reach as all my faith in myself now lays in tatters. I'm a disappointment even to myself as my life ebbs and flows out of a new wound. I guess there is never an end to my pain, and I don't want to stop... I can't. Nothing was learned, and all this was a waste. This was my solemn lost lesson.

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I'm doing so badly right now. I don't know how much blood I lost..

But it was enough to make me sick and feel like crap. It's going to be a long night. Why must I go through such a rigorous hell? My own mind is relentless. Was it because of my anti-depressant..?

Well, I'm not really quite sane yet. If you could see me, you would just know. No need for an exchange of words....

Decisions... Too many.. I need to get my footing back before I slip over the edge forever...

I wish I could calm down, but there's such a profound restlessness bustling in the air that I know it's not but a cry in vain. Vein, that I wish I had the will to drain. My appearance has changed, and in some ways I have, too. But the look in my eyes that I cannot hide most definetly remains the same. People ignore it, like I wish I could when I recall my own reflection. The burning gaze is etched into my soul; an infection, slowly consuming the vitality with a wall of stone. Nothing enters or escapes. If I were to pray, what could I say? Please help me get past this day, and guide me, as not to be lead astray? Give my life direction.. Point me in the right way so I can try throw down the best effort I may? I know not where to turn to in my time of grievance, so in the light of my darkness, I wish to repent.. For all my sins, those subtle lies I've kept buried within, and those unresolved conflicts I'd cast into boundless wind, as the world subsequently inhereted my heavy burdens. The race to escape the inevitable that no trialed soul can win.

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I think I maybe.. should start praying. Or put my faith in a greater force. I try to handle too much on my own.. When things occur for reasons outside my understanding. If I recognize something that is above me, such as god, then I am acknowledging the existence of the unknown. That makes me less ignorant, and makes it so I can't blame myself for every little thing that goes wrong in my life. And it gives me an answer to those things I couldn't possibly explain. There.. just are some things that are above myself. And things happen because everything in the world occured percisely as it did to make it. The workings of the world that is out of the reach of my influence still can effect my life. And I take whatever situation that is given to me, and I respond in whatever way I choose. Life is not good or bad, or fair, but it's what I decide to define any of those things. And whatever I choose to make it, I can try to keep it that way or change the situations around me into how I would like them to be. The latter and the former both give me purpose in my life, but each path will bring unique benefits and consequences. I can't remain static, because my surroundings evolve around me constantly. So I need to choose my path, and feel no remorse.

I understand now..

I have been conflicted over the contradicting aspects of my personality, but the choice is mine. I need to choose now what part will control and shape who I am, and who I will become. And whichever way I choose, I need to accept the positive parts, as well as shortcomings. Maybe this is why the question,"Who are you?", struck such a chord. I can be more than one thing, and I CAN continue to be this way, but it will only bring me unhappiness in the future. I need to prioritize. Deja vu.. I think this was a part of my dream:

I was in a war zone in medieval times, where there were giants, bugs that we smaller than giants, then humans. It was like a hierachy.. Me and the others were scurrying away like the ants that were chasing us. Then it switches to the fox and the hound... I was the fox, trying to find shelter in the winter. There was a porcupine and a hedgehog, and the porcupine shared the tree hole. For some reason there were soda cans in the hole, as well. Then it shifts to a jungle. Me and a group of people are lost. Somehow I am the tour guide, but am also being lead on a tour. Kinda like how the subconcious works, methinks. Anyways, then I pull out my cellphone and try to use a gps. Then it turned into a computer and me and another were using the internet to learn about the plants. Then we all started eating random plants. We eventually pass a bunch of vines and see a shining light which signified a doorway. We pass through the doorway and I am 5, and my grandmother is standing next to me. We are in a field of flowers, including many dandelions (in the seed pod form). The rest of the tour people are leaving, and for some reason it seems like I am on a school field trip. My grandmother urges me to come along, but I run over to look at a specific flower. It lies on a ledge, but I get distracted by a brook. The brook has very clear water and I look up and see a waterfall pouring into it. I quickly dip into the water after seeing my reflection, then hurry along to catch up to my grandmother. We exit through another doorway into a mixture of a train station and boating dock. My grandma has to board the ferry/frieght train, and I start crying because I'm not going with her. I'm supposed to exit out the door on my left, on my own. But my grandma would be leaving forever, and I knew this. In real life, she was died when I was 5. It was a sad dream.. We said our goodbyes, and I woke up with a distinct sense of melancholy... It is said that dreams are deeply rooted in our subconcious thoughts and desires.. As I looked up the symbolism on www.dreammoods.com, I found the symbolism was remarkably similar to my previous writings, yesterday and today, regarding mental unrest; specifally the reasoning and logic behind it.

Anyways, I'm done for the night. I hurt myself, and need to heal.