Please, excuse me as I take the time to contradict myself...

Motivational push? Ah ha ha.. ha. That lasted like a day. Guess what? I'm already hurtin' again. Not that it matters to anyone or the world but I just want to SCREAM my thoughts onto this page. I've been down and again, with breakdown-
a pause, and another breakdown.
I've spent the time trying to forget certain parts of my past but they won't leave me. I keep deluding myself, thinking I'm okay when my hearts knows the only thing that's going on is the suppression of my emotions. The numbing of my soul. I can't take this feeling much longer. I know I'll change. But I know I'll change again after that. I know it's a cycle; a circle. Just like everything else. I just want that cycle to stop? Is that too much to ask..? 'Cause if it is, I can always make it happen myself. The good is barely worth the wait. And that thought, it's all I have right now. The wait, and the struggle. Should I keep on now, for the possibility of tomorrow? So I laugh through words. Doesn't seem like they could know the difference between my petty sarcasm muffled through raw emotion and a simple light-hearted chuckle. They know not what I have, and all it is that I lack. Though through this print I don't care to filter. Emotion drips from my fingertips, in a way I hope won't short-circuit my means of communication;the only ounce of honesty I have left with myself. And I don't care.. I don't...
What consequence any of my actions I take now might have.. I don't care.
I can't care, because I can't see. Can't see anything past this day.
And I want to fly, and soar past this pain.
But I know the future lies so far away...
I don't want to believe this is my fate,
nor do I want to succumb to hate
that I tend to feel towards myself
that can only deplete what's left of my health
Please, somebody grab my hand
and save me from this place.
I'm drowning, leaking tears of scattered grace.
This feeling.. what can I do to prove
it's all for the better with so much to lose.
As I'm left with no one to share
all these burdens I ineffectively bear.
So I don't know where to turn
to explain how no lesson has truly been learned
~~~~~~~~

People change quickly, along with their surroundings. I am living evidence of this fact. Here I am, a little over an hour later, with a new mentality that was brought with a wave of relief. The tension within me, in part, had been released. And it was certainly something I did need.
I've been withholding truth from myself for too long, and so the expected occured. Yes, it was expected, though not necessarily by myself in that time frame. So yes, I am back. Established, and redundant; it is so. And when I say those words I may mean something other than the obvious, because I really believe you can return mentally, emotionally, and physically, at different times altogether. And emotionally I may have previously been lead astray.
My abstract perception of my reality makes for a crude fuel of alienation. The portal to solitary confinement. But who, at those times, are the distorted entities?\/\/\/\/
~~~~~~
What's happening to me..? Another instance of my chemical sanity diffusing before my eyes? This can't be me. I'm losing myself too frequently now.. And maybe it's all me, but... I'm so confused in the ways that I change so drastically. I remain even a mystery to myself. Vision keeps shifting in and out.. what is this all about? Well, I know. Reopened wounds show no mercy; Granted leeway to move torwards the closest absolute. To all else, these thoughts may be rendered incoherent, and the effort to escape the pattern is to much.~~~~
I can't let people see me being so pessimistic, with such a lack of control. Just when I thought everything was beginning to thread together, it all starts to spin apart.. Or it probably already was, I just couldn't take the time to notice, but it's something I've feared. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to scream for help, and the other part laughs, with the remark "Who?"..
I'm not sure if I'm losing time, or if time just lost me. Or even if the tracks are in the process of derailing, ironically, with that thought being the most sensible. Maybe it'll just stop. Part of me has to complicate things for the pleasure of a challenge, and the other part screams in frustration because it just gave it's all to clean up the last mess that was made. I don't want to level out, and I don't want to be inclined in one way. I don't want anything at all. But even that's wanting something. And I don't want something, and I'm so frustrated with life. With myself! Why can't I just be happy with what I have, and calm down instead of being pressed over the edge with such force. I just want to fall over. Fall over, or for it to stop. Not in between, goddd... It's the worst thing anyone could imagine. Torture! I'm being tortured! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh.............
I want to just break my head open or something at times like this where.. Pain can only help.